I’m still critical about myself – very critical.
I know it is not healthy.
I know it destroys my confidence.
I also know that it is not related to my weight.
For as long as I can remember, I have been very critical about my height, curves, belly and thighs.
My inner dialogues have been extremely destructive and painful.
A few years ago, I decided to take a look at old pictures of myself. I was shocked by what I saw:
There was this beautiful yet insecure young woman. I remembered the moment I took this pictures and how critical I was with myself. Seven years later, I could not find anything wrong with the old me. In fact, I was a bit jealous of my own body. I now know that it was all in my head. The inner dialogue I was having hurt my confidence, my relationships and my life.
Little by little, I started gathering the bits and pieces of confidence I had left. I stopped myself every time I would compare my body with others. I meditated. I started practicing gratitude. I learned to love other people’s bodies and to be less critical of them. I tried to dress with clothing that made me feel pretty and confident. I started healing.
In the last three years, I lost 28 pounds and I can still be demeaning towards me. I try to win my own arguments by remembering the importance of self-compassion, kindness and love. I do not always succeed. And that’s ok because I know that there has never been anything wrong with me. I’m a work in progress.
Every time I see myself in an unloving way, my confidence breaks. I become that insecure young woman who wanted to hide away from the world. I immediately start comparing myself with my
surroundings. I cannot see through all the noise. I start doubting my goals, my accomplishments, my professional life, my personality and so on. These episodes last a few seconds and I try to get
myself out of there as soon as I can.
I have a lot of self-doubt. Not only when it comes to my body but also when it comes to my professional career, goals, decisions and perspectives. The more I heal from my own inner dialogues, the more I blossom. I want to continue working on self-love in order to become this amazing woman who gives, inspires, teaches, creates and leaves a legacy.
I am looking to be vulnerable. I want to show the real me to the world. I want to look at these pictures – as I did with the pictures of my past - with the confidence of knowing that there was nothing wrong with me.