How do you feel about them currently?
I definitely feel more connected and grounded. I mean I’m not cured from shaming myself by any means, this is a longterm journey for me. But being a part of this project is an act of self love. To say “look at me, naked, rolls and all, and I still feel beautiful and delicate and powerful.”
Who would you be if you really loved your body?
When I see my body, nothing I see is attached to reality. My body dismorphia has made my perception of myself be skewed for the past 3-4 years. In my mind I’m this wide hipped, big armed, weird bellied, funny faced looking monster. This sort of negativity changes the way I live day to day. If I go to an audition and I feel particularly lardish, for the next two weeks I’ll work out like 5 hours a day and eat only greens until my focus shifts. It sounds really manic and it is. The lengths I go to in order to “better” myself are extreme. If I could love myself as I am, my time would be filled so much better. I mean this mania certainly shows I’ve got a real work ethic and drive- if I could love myself all the time as I am, I would be able to fully give myself to the people I love and the things I love to do. It sounds like I’m always manic and hateful about this stuff. I recognize by many standards I meet some sort of appropriate level of attractiveness. I am aware and grateful for the privileges my skin color and appearance have given me. But somewhere along the way I was taught to hate myself and everyday I am trying to learn to undo the lesson inside of myself.
What places on your body do you hope to see differently?
I would love to see my stomach differently. I know it’s cliche but it’s true. I send a lot of hate to my stomach all day long. Crunching and sucking and trying to detach myself from it. The thing is I know it’s an emotional center of power, especially for women. That all the hubbub around making women shame that part of ourselves is another way to take away some beautiful feminine strength that we have.
What hopes do you have that would arise when other people see these images? When you see this images?
My hopes from these images is that they start to undo the narrative in all of us that there is some sort of ideal female body. That the female body is beautiful as it is and we are all so vastly different and that is wonderful. We shouldn’t be the same. That the difference between us is beautiful.
The desire I have is to be able to look at these images and be able to look at myself through a loving lense. To look at myself and see me as beautiful, just as I am.